A few years ago I re-invented myself as a paralegal so I wouldn't have to continue as an unemployable temp going out on shitty assignments with no benefits. The thing about law firms, however, is that they are generally more conservative than the average place of business. I've always been a square peg of barely-contained neuroses trying to fit into the round hole of professionalism, but sometimes I even outdo myself.
The following are actual quotes that went straight from my professionally-challenged brain and out of my mouth without passing through whatever centers control reasoning and judgment:
- When your supervisor asks how you're doing, don't say, "I'm not dead. Supposedly that's a good thing."
- Don't tell half of the office, including a number of the attorneys, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."
- I maybe shouldn't have told one of the partners that I was going to move in his nice new office with him and that I'd bring drapery swatches around later. (Fortunately he just laughed.)
- When an attorney is crowing over his success in court and says "I should be playing 'We Are the Champions' by Queen," don't sardonically say to another co-worker, "More like 'The Bitch Is Back' by Elton John" within earshot.
- Don't ask the managing partner of the entire firm (who works out of a different office) if he has a pass to be in our office.
- If an attorney offers you an old desk clock from his office but then changes his mind, don't call him a "clock tease."
- Don't try to encourage a prickly attorney with insecurities about his own masculinity by saying, "You go, girl!" (I was threatened with termination over that one...)